Adults need playground time, too
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The weather is beautiful, Ohio State is in the Final Four, and baseball's Opening Day is right around the corner -- could things be any better?
Well, maybe. I just spent a gwap on my cable bill, in part because I had to buy a new remote.
In case you're wondering what "gwap" means, I recently learned it's street slang for "a large amount of money." I think it also can be spelled "guap" -- either way works.
I'm using it now because I'm trying to build up a little more street cred since Fat Joe is coming to town this weekend and I'm going to see T.I. in concert in a few weeks. I figure if I drop the word "gwap" in a few conversations every now and then, I'll be good to go.
Mims drops it in his hit single, "This Is Why I'm Hot." If Mims can do it, why can't I? We're essentially the same person.
But, anyway, my cable bill was huge this month. I don't think I paid it last month, so it was two months' worth, and I'm still paying for high-speed Internet on my PC even though I get free wireless on my laptop -- that's just stupid, I know.
Then the kicker was I had to buy a new remote because I broke my old one during the OSU-Tennessee game last week.
I swear, I really don't have much of a temper. I know I said that same exact thing in my column a few weeks ago just before I described how I broke my PlayStation 2
controller -- but despite all the signs to the contrary, it's still a true statement.
I've never been in a physical fight -- the closest I got was wrestling a friend on the lawn when he tried to steal some pork chops from someone's house at a party and I thought he was being rude. I took him down, pried the pork chops from his hands and put them back into the freezer of the random party host (whom neither of us knew).
To be nice to my friend, I stole a bag of lollipops from the house and gave him those instead. Much cheaper than pork chops.
So, again, I really don't have a temper, but when the officials whistled Oden for his fourth foul on a complete horse-manure call, I lost it. I thought Oden had to be on the court for the Buckeyes to win, and I couldn't stand to see the refs botch the game like that.
I needed to break something that was kind of important but not too important. Since the remote already was in my hand, it was a logical choice. I chucked it against the ground as hard as possible and -- voila! -- pieces went flying everywhere.
A new one cost only $10 so it didn't break the bank, but it's still an unnecessary expense, and on my salary those are never good things. (You hear that, bosses? It's raise time!)
Speaking of money, in my column a couple of weeks ago I said I've never owned a camera. In response to that, a nice guy named Bill actually bought me a disposable camera and wrapped it in an issue of Funcoast.com Magazine. He gave it to me at Pub and Grub last week. It was a nice gesture.
One of my friends heard about the camera and asked me to include the following statements in my column this week:
I've never owned any jewelry from Tiffany & Co. I'd love to have a nice necklace or a sweet pair of earrings from there.
(OK, girl, I tried -- sorry if it doesn't work).
You know what else I'd like? (And this is me talking again -- not her). I'd like a nice, adult-sized swing set.
This weekend I had a fairly deep conversation with a friend from high school while we were on the swing set, and it was then I realized my legs are too long for those -- it was really hard to keep swinging.
Why are swing sets built just for kids? Adults like swinging, too. We need to have some swing sets around here that are a little higher off the ground. It's ridiculous.
If I ever run this city, the first thing I'm going to do is make sure we open a Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits franchise.
And then the second thing I'm going to do is organize a rockin' tetherball tournament that takes place every June.
And then the third thing I'm going to do is get The Arcade Fire here for a concert (I just bought their new CD, "Neon Bible"-- it's excellent. Same goes for the new Modest Mouse CD, "We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank.")
But then the fourth thing I'm going to do is to build a few swing sets made just for adults. Or at least some swing sets that are adjustable, so both adults and kids can use them in comfort.
Why do kids get all the benefits? I mean, seriously, us adults are the ones doing all the hard work. I think playgrounds should be catered to meet adults' needs rather than kids' needs.
Stinkin' kids have it made already -- no bills, no stress about serious dating, plus sweet cafeteria food every afternoon (I love those Mexican pizzas).
We adults work hard. ... Well, maybe I don't so much, but I still work harder than I did as a third-grader. I need a swing set built just for me!
That and the jewelry from Tiffany & Co.
Anyone?
POWELL'S PICKS
ROCK IT FOR LAUREN, March 30 during the Fashion Show and Concert at the Sandusky State Theatre, with after-parties at Daly's and Lyman Harbor.
Fat Joe and some chicks from "Laguna Beach" are going to be in town. I'd give my left testicle to hang out with all of them for the night. (Actually, I wouldn't, but I still like the expression).
HELP SAVE A POLAR BEAR by going to the "Keep It Frozen" show March 31 at Pub and Grub.
Think about it -- if you help save a polar bear now, then if you ever run into a random polar bear on a frozen tundra, he won't eat you because you helped saved his buddy. It's all about karma.
SING SOME KARAOKE, March 30 and 31 at The Office Bar in Norwalk and April 1 at Cabana Jack's.
I was at Cabana Jack's for karaoke last Sunday. At one point a guy tapped me on the shoulder and told me to watch as he proceeded to the lick the bare foot of a woman he was with. ... I'm not making that up.
SEE "CAROUSEL," March 29-31 at Sandusky High School.
I'm actually going to a high school play this weekend. One of my good friends runs the drama department at Rocky River High School, and I always see her shows. I wish she ran a hot dog cart instead. Stupid plays.
And if you're willing to drive a little ...
CHECK OUT MUTE MATH, March 29 at the House of Blues in Cleveland.
I'll be there -- this is another good group. We have a story about them on page 6. Come with me, and then after the concert we can drive around Cleveland looking for a Popeye's and some swing sets. Schwing!
In addition to Mexican pizzas, I also really like egg rolls. And eggs. And rolls. E-mail me at editor@funcoast.com.
