Something to oink about

With a name like Fugly.com, it's pretty obvious that today’s horoscopes are nothing short of insulting. In fact, it may be the most scathing batch yet. There are numerous taunts and snubs comparing humans to animals — pigs, in particular. Oink.

Aries
(21 March – 20 April)
Hey, why don't you stop stuffing your face for 10 minutes and go out and buy yourself a full-length mirror so you can witness how disgusting you look first hand? You're a pig. The hotter it gets, the worse you look. Go find some mud somewhere.
 
Taurus
(21 April – 21 May)
Your dreams can come true. Sometimes it takes planning and hard work. Sometimes it takes money and power. Sometimes it takes brains and beauty. You don't have any of these things, so just forget about it and get back to your cubicle before you get laid off like the rest of them.

Gemini
(22 May – 21 June)
You're a godless savage. You may as well live in a cave and scavenge for food. You're no better than any other filthy animal. You'd probably eat your young — if you could find anyone dumb enough to breed with you, that is.

Cancer
(22 June – 22 July)
Using the same brand of deodorant for more than a few months can cause your body to build up a natural resistance to its effectiveness, you smelly pig. Go take a shower or at least go out in the parking lot and roll around in the dirt to lessen your stench. You're killing all the plants around here.

Leo
(23 July – 22 August)
You've got big plans this weekend, and it looks like this could be the night you've been waiting for! Too bad you also have herpes. Maybe by next weekend it will be in remission.

Virgo
(23 August – 21 September)
Someone else has all sorts of ideas about how you should spend your time. It may be a bit uncomfortable to squeeze into the old routine. You've grown. It's time to put your foot down, or at least get a bigger routine, you slob.

Libra
(22 September – 22 October)
If there's one good thing that people say about you, it's that you're a proud and majestic creature. No, wait. That's what they say about zebras. They say that Libras love cheap, penny-pinching jerks. I guess that's good too, right?

Scorpio
(23 October – 21 November)
Don't you love those Coke commercials? "There's nothing like the real thing, baby. There's nothing like the reeeall thing.."  Keep humming that tune to yourself while you sit home alone tonight (again). Maybe sing it out loud as you watch "Who's the Boss" re-runs. Look up "loser" in the dictionary, and there you are.

Sagittarius
(22 November – 21 December)
If you don't already have a good partner, get one. It should be obvious which person would be best for you. You're obviously going to have to pay for him or her, and since you have no cash, it's probably going to be the one with the least amount of teeth. Ahh, spring. Love is in the air!

Capricorn
(22 December – 20 January)
You should have your routine pretty well memorized by now. That makes it pretty easy, but don't doze off. Something you hadn't expected could throw a wrench into the machinery. Later today, you'll lose an eye.

Aquarius
(21 January – 19 February)
You walk down stairs. Alone or in pairs and make a slinkety sound. A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing, everyone knows it's too bad you've got bad breath. Seriously. Buy some mints.  Or gum.  And go to the dentist.

Pisces
(20 February – 20 March)
There's certainly a lot going on today. You might be tempted to jump right into the middle of the confusion. You'll be more helpful if you stand off to one side and make practical comments like, "why don't we throw some water on her?" or, "Stop drop and roll! STOP DROP AND ROLL!" That will make you look much wiser, too.