They were right about Gigli

Today’s star-studded tidbits of hilarity came from The Easterner, mtvU’s “newsy” site. To be fair, there are some culturally accurate statements about horrible movies (Gigli, anyone?), our overdependence on MySpace and writing “obviously untrue” horoscopes.

Aries
(21 March – 20 April)
You will be haunted by ghosts that will force you to watch the movies Scary Movie 4, Gigli and Crossroads for the rest of your life. You will kill yourself by a noose to avoid letting the movies kill you through sheer annoyance.
 
Taurus
(21 April – 21 May)
You will read another MySpace bulletin that tells you if you pass it along your secret crush will call you at 11:11 tonight, and you will decide that these things are not true. Your best friend will call you at 11:12 that same night, telling you that your secret crush called them and professed their longstanding love for them. You tell your friend that you are, in fact, in love with the person that called, and should be the one they are in love with. You and your friend argue about it and never speak again because you know that relationships are definitely more important than friendships.

Gemini
(22 May – 21 June)
You will eat corn straight out of the can and cut your lip on its edge. This cut will turn into a scab similar to that of herpes. You will pick at it to try to make it disappear, but it will nonetheless grow even larger as it scabs and rescabs itself. All of the scabbing will turn into a permanent scar and you will have a herpes-like mark on your lip for the rest of your life.

Cancer
(22 June – 22 July)
You will use one of the treadmills at the Body Shop and push yourself to run so hard that you faint. When you awaken you will meet your soul mate, who saved your life. You and your soul mate will fall madly in love and you will be together forever.  Until, of course, when you introduce them to your parents, and they tell you that he or she is your half-sibling.

Leo
(23 July – 22 August)
You will begin a series of lifestyle changes, including exercising more and eating healthier, and succeed at it for several days. After some time, your coworkers will decide to order Rosa's cheesy bread and place it adjacent to your workspace. You will be so tempted by the delicious smell of grease that you decide to quit your health kick and shove all of the cheesy bread into your mouth at once. When your coworkers ask you for an explanation, you simply scream at them, "You made me do it! I hate you all!" and run away forever.

Virgo
(23 August – 21 September)
This week you will not receive a single phone call or text message. You will call your cell phone company and ask them if something has happened to your service or your phone, and they will reassure that everything is fine; you just don't have any friends.

Libra
(22 September – 22 October)
This week you will begin your supposed student teaching. When you show up to work at the high school, though, you will walk into the classroom and sit down in one of the desks. You will sit there and participate like you are one of the students for the entire week. When you approach your boss at the end of the week to ask about a paycheck, they will tell you that you are obviously a very confused student and give you in-school suspension for the rest of the week, causing you to miss your real classes and real job. When you return to class and your other job and explain your situation, your professors and employees will laugh in your face and tell you that they cannot punish you because your story of stupidity was the best laugh they had all year.

Scorpio
(23 October – 21 November)
You will write ridiculous horoscopes, knowing that they are obviously untrue and not based on factual information, and someone will take them seriously and sue you. They will win.

Sagittarius
(22 November – 21 December)
You will apply for a new job, have a fantastic interview and get the job. You will sign the contract and accept it, and then find out that you have promised to be a stripper for the next year, less your head is cut off.

Capricorn
(22 December – 20 January)
A slave to a hideous supposed “fashion trend,” you will buy a pair of Crocs (rubber gardening sandals shaped like clogs) and wear them for 72 straight hours. In this time, your friends and family members will tell you that those shoes are meant for gardening and you don't have a garden, and you should therefore take them off. You will refuse to do so.  They then call the fashion police, upon which you will be arrested.

Aquarius
(21 January – 19 February)
You will go outside for a cigarette and when you try to return you will find that your friends have locked you out. They will refuse to open the door until you promise to sell your soul to the devil unless you quit smoking. You decide to sell your soul to the devil and are forever locked within the Fallen Angel's clutches.

Pisces
(20 February – 20 March)
You will find the person of your dreams and live happily ever after. Just kidding. You will, of course, die upon reading this.