I'm sorry, circus - I wish we could be friends
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This is not something I've really spent much time thinking about before, but our cover story this week brought the issue to the forefront of my brain.
I have never been to a circus.
When I hear the word circus, the images that pop into my head are from "Batman Forever" with Val Kilmer. That's a horrible, horrible movie, and to associate the circus with the death of Dick Grayson's parents (and a pretty wretched over-the-top performance by Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face) is doing the circus a very serious injustice.
At least I think it is.
But again, I don't have anything to really go off of. Now I'm curious as to why that is.
My parents did their best to make sure I grew up fairly cultured, dragging me to numerous orchestra and choir concerts and even plenty of Shakespeare plays before I hit high school. Why in the world did they never take me to the circus?
Breaking things down point by point, my parents' lack of action becomes even more baffling (I know, some of you are saying, "Grow up, kid ñ buy your own way to the circus." But what you're not remembering is that I'm a journalist in Sandusky, meaning I make no money at all. I can barely afford a Happy Meal, let alone circus tickets).
The first thing the circus has going for it is the animals.
I've always been a huge fan of elephants. For my money, I think the elephant is the greatest animal on earth. They're so slow, yet so powerful. They're neither especially nice nor especially mean ñ they're just a dominant force of nature that demands our admiration.
Every single intramural team I played on at Ohio State was named the Purple Elephants in honor of this great beast (and, I guess, in honor of the color purple ... not sure where that part comes from). We won five championships - you think the Purple Llamas could have done that, or the Purple Squirrels? I sure don't. Maybe two or three, but definitely not five.
Anyway, whoever created the circus obviously shares my affinity for the elephant, seeing as how elephants are one of the few staples of a good show. I don't really know what elephants do at a circus - I think they just kind of walk around looking sweet, but whatever it is, I'm sure it's impressive.
Another cool thing at the circus is the clowns. I did once attend a rodeo in Wyoming, so I do have a first-hand account of how awesome clowns are. They don't say much, but they're always running around, finding ways to have a good time and put a smile on your face.
I actually wish more of my friends were like that. (Andy, Bryan ñ you guys want to try acting more like clowns for a weekend? Please?)
And I still haven't figured out how they do that trick where, like, 20 clowns pile out of the same tiny car. Is there anyone reading this column who knows how they do that? If so, please write me. I'll buy you a free blizzard or something from Dairy Queen.
My only theories are this - A) there's some trap door under the car and the clowns just come pouring out of that thing like hotcakes or B) all the clowns double as master contortionists and really cram themselves into the car in a very meticulous way, much the same way my dad used to pack our trunk before a long road trip.
As for other amazing things at the circus, you have your jugglers (always impressive, especially when they're handling things like fire and knives), your acrobats (but, again, the images of Dick Grayson's parents dying kind of makes the acrobats tough to think about) and, of course, your food.
Once again, I'm not exactly sure what kind of food they serve at a circus because I've never been, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say they will be serving the greatest food known to man - nachos and cheese. Those are pretty much a staple of all arena events. They're also pretty much a staple of my diet. The summer after my junior year in high school, I was a statistician for a big basketball league in Columbus, and every Tuesday or Thursday when I worked, my dinner would be nothing but some nachos and cheese and a Coke.
Yes, I know I'm going to die before I reach the age of 35, but if Heaven has nachos and cheese (and I'm sure it does), I'm OK with it.
I bet you elephants are so strong and powerful because they eat a lot of nachos and cheese when we're not looking.
Bottom line - parents, don't let your kids grow up like I did. Take them to the circus now and sleep easy knowing you've done all you need to do to make sure they're living the good life.
POWELL'S PICKS
GO TO THE CIRCUS, Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland
Umm, did you read the column? I don't think there's anything else I can say here to convince you to go. Unless I offer more free blizzards.
HIT UP THE PUMP FOR THE KENTUCKY THUNDER SHOW, 9 p.m. Oct. 21, The Pump Bar & Grille.
This country group says they keep people on the dance floor all night long. And here I thought it was the alcohol that did that. Hmmm ...
BUY THE KILLERS' NEW ALBUM, "SAM'S TOWN," available at all major music stores.
I like the Killers. They're one of few groups that gets a lot of attention but deserves it all.
SEE "THE PRESTIGE," which opens in theaters nationwide Friday.
I'm attending a critic's screening Thursday, so I don't know how good it is yet, but with director Chris Nolan at the helm, I'm betting it's excellent.
And if you're willing to drive a little ...
GO TO SHOWS FOR THE RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS AND JOAN JETT IN CLEVELAND, with the Riverboat Gamblers playing Oct. 20 at the Grog Shop and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts playing Oct. 21 at the Agora.
These really aren't my picks, but MC Cool Whip (aka Sean Carroll) asked me to do him a big favor and put them here, and I figured if I said yes, he'd owe me a favor. I'm going to make him pay for all the free blizzards I promised this week.
I'm sure the local ice cream places are great, but it still is a travesty that we don't have a Dairy Queen in Sandusky. We desperately need one. That and a Popeyes Chicken ... and a Chipotle. Or maybe an uber-sweet place that offers food from all three places. E-mail me at editor@funcoast.com.
