Me and my huge neck are finally going places
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I feel like I've finally made it in the world.
The Sandusky Regurgitator site has now officially given me a name - Dustin Towell - and some accompanying Towell Time columns to go along with it.
If you haven't seen the site yet, check it out at whatthefuncrap.blogspot.com.
Here's what I learned by reading Towell Time - I have an abnormally long neck, I have far more friends than I ever thought I did, and I don't like the game Donkey Kong.
These are good things to know. Especially the first one, because now I'm going to start wearing nothing but turtlenecks to the local establishments on Friday and Saturday nights.
On the main Regurgitator site, there's a paragraph that seems to act almost as a challenge. I think they're daring me to write an entire column about me relieving myself - No. 2 style - in the bathroom.
Here's the short link written by "Dustin" on the main site:
Hey everybody! Be sure to check out our sumo wrestler correspondents' review of Mona Pizza this week at whatthefuncrap.blogspot.com. Sorry this is such a short plug. I have to go take a crap. (Hey, maybe I'll write about that next!)
Oh, you Regurgitator guys are crafty ... but I'm not falling for it. Sure, I could do it if I wanted to, but we here at Funcoast.com have standards to uphold.Haven't you seen our Spotted page? Nothing but class.
Plus - and perhaps more importantly - I already wrote an entire column about proper bathroom etiquette not too long ago, and another column about bathrooms right now would be too soon.
I have better things to write about, anyway.
For instance, I went to Dave & Buster's on Sunday and played games all day.
I was good at air hockey and trivia but bad at the shooting games and skeeball.
That's a more interesting topic than me going to the bathroom, right?
Our group collected more than 6,800 tickets on the day, so we came away with a ton of prizes for one of my friend's 3-year-old son.
He's not getting some of the prizes until his birthday in October, so I don't want to ruin the surprise for him by saying exactly what we got.
I don't think 3-year-olds are old enough to read yet, but there's a pretty decent chance his mom reads my columns to him before his bedtime every Wednesday.
My parents used to read me C.S. Lewis and Matt Christopher books, but I think I would have preferred them reading me Powell Time. Especially these new clean columns, where I don't talk about anything inappropriate.
I'm even cleaner than the Register, where we recently ran a story about a woman who supposedly squeezed her boyfriend's genitals one night after he urinated on her face.
I'm not touching that one.
This column might be slightly shorter than some of my past ones because I'm about to embark on the first leg of a super-long concert road trip that will make even Mr. Backstage Pass himself, Sean Carroll, jealous.
Between now and Oct. 16, I'm seeing 13 concerts, starting this week with Modest Mouse (in Columbus) and Reel Big Fish. Other highlights on the trip include The Killers, Smashing Pumpkins, Arcade Fire, Dropkick Murphys and Regina Spektor.
One thing I will not be doing at these concerts is moshing. I think it's still called moshing these days, but I'm not quite as hip as I used to be. (Although I probably could just ask one of my millions and millions of friends what it's called, couldn't I, you Regurgitator jerks!?!?)
I tried moshing for the first time at the Drowning Pool concert a few weeks ago at The Underground. I think I just wanted to see what it was like - another life experience to cross off the list. (You're next, line dancing).
At 6-foot, 155 pounds, I'm relatively thin, but I have sharp elbows, so I thought that would help me in the mosh pit. Really, the elbows didn't help me much. The thinness did come into play, though.
I stayed on my feet for probably 15 seconds before getting pummeled to the ground. A real big guy picked me up and immediately shoved me right back into the melee. At that point, I just wanted to get back to safety, but it took a good 20 seconds or so of getting shoved in every direction before I made it back to my friend on the outskirts.
When I finally did get back, I had a throbbing pain in my elbow from when I cracked it on the concrete floor. Perhaps I'm too old for moshing, but I think I'm OK with that. I've always been more of a break dancer, anyway. And that line dancing could be sweet, too.
POWELL'S PICKS
CHECK OUT ABK'S WARRIOR FOAM PARTY, 6 p.m., Aug. 19, at The Underground.
Turtlenecks encouraged.
HEAD TO THE PEACH FESTIVAL, Aug. 18 at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Marblehead.
Isn't it weird that a cobbler is a person who makes shoes, yet a peach cobbler is a delicious food dish? Feet are disgusting. I don't want to be thinking of feet when I'm eating a tremendous dessert, but apparently I have to.
CHECK OUT THE HURON COUNTY FAIR, all weekend at the Huron County Fairgrounds in Norwalk.
I went to the Erie County Fair last week and ate - you guessed it - a bratwurst! But it actually was pretty overpriced and not very good. So I'm not sure why I'm recommending another fair. Maybe their bratwursts will be better here.
WATCH THE MODEL SEARCH REGIONAL COMPETITION, 2 p.m., Aug. 18, at the Sandusky Mall.
I might try to enter myself. I'll see if they're looking for any neck models.
And if you're willing to drive a little ...
DRIVE DOWN TO BUCYRUS FOR THE BRATWURST FESTIVAL, all glorious weekend.
Are you kidding? Yeah, I'll be there with at least a few of my minion of friends. We'll be swimming in Bratwurst streams and dancing down Bratwurst Lane.
E-mail me at editor@funcoast.com. Although I might not have time to check all my e-mails this week. I have to spend a lot of time with friends, you know.
